My Asian identity crisis
I already mentioned in one of my previous posts on how I feel about being a foreigner and all the confusion and shits that comes along with it. But I feel like this topic deserves to be a separate post itself, and also because I've found a video on YouTube that basically sums up my feelings and I totally agree with every word they say.
As I have already mentioned, being an Asian living in a foreign country is not easy. But I have gradually adapted to that fact and I've lived well in the UK. I have saw myself as one of the British people (let's be honest, I am a British citizen because I have a British passport) and all was well, until I moved back to my home city. Now, in my 10 years of being in the UK, I have only been back in HK for 2 weeks. I remember after my 2 week holiday to Hong Kong, when I arrived back in the UK, I bulked. Like, cried my eyes out, and I couldn't stop. I didn't know what was going on, why was I crying. It was probably an emotional thing, I mean, I left Hong Kong for 9 years before I was back again, then not long after, I'm back in the UK, and it was like an emotional journey because I have never experienced being like that, and the cultural impact it had on me.
So I have acknowledged that I was different in the UK, then I'm back in HK, and it was so so so so so foreign to me. I didn't know how I should feel, even now, I still don't. I feel like the people here doesn't accept me. And I really don't fit in. And here comes my identity crisis. I'm foreign in the UK. I'm also foreign in HK. WHERE DO I BELONG??
And this is how it's always going to be. From now on also. My first language is Cantonese, and even though it will always be my language, I feel like English is more of my language. My whole childhood is spent with the darn language, for goodness sake. I'm also learning Mandarin and Japanese, and I've learnt French in school (though I can't remember any anymore). But the languages I use the most will always be Cantonese and English. I'm more fluent in English, though. And I am not fluent in Chinese. My sentences are always half Cantonese half English I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I mean, I do, but other people don't. I sometimes struggle to find the right Chinese words and I can't read most of them, and it's the same with writing and typing. And it can be hard when trying to find a job here. I mean, I'm Chinese but I'm not fluent and I don't know Mandarin. Most jobs here needs three languages, Cantonese, Mandarin and English. And they expect you to know. So it's hard for me.
In the UK, they celebrate differences. As the video says, "Being different is cool", but here in Hong Kong, ain't nobody like you being different. I mean, I always knew being different is special, and people like you for it. If I have to give an example, I'm going to use Arashi again. In the beginning, Arashi were different and un-idol-like, and so they were looked down on. But as times changed, people accepted differences, and Arashi were liked, and loved, because they were different.
Despite how many times I tell myself and hear people say it, that I shouldn't care about what others think about me, it's still very hard. I mean, ever since I became very self-conscious, I have always had a fear of being judged. A fear of being embarrassed and humiliated. And that has hold me back from so many things, so many opportunities. And I'm not happy about it. But I can't just change and be like "I don't care anymore" and step out of my comfort zone. But I do hope as I continue to grow and have new experiences, I can finally have more self confidence and stop thinking about what others are thinking about me.
But even if you do stop, it doesn't really change the fact that other people are actually judging you, and sometimes these things you can't just ignore, because what others think about you will always affect you.
I just want to put it out and I know this issue will always be with me. For the rest of my life. And I know, a lot of other people experiences this too. And not just Asians. It could happen to anybody who grew up in a different culture. So, if you're one of them, one like me, hands up to you because you're special.
As I have already mentioned, being an Asian living in a foreign country is not easy. But I have gradually adapted to that fact and I've lived well in the UK. I have saw myself as one of the British people (let's be honest, I am a British citizen because I have a British passport) and all was well, until I moved back to my home city. Now, in my 10 years of being in the UK, I have only been back in HK for 2 weeks. I remember after my 2 week holiday to Hong Kong, when I arrived back in the UK, I bulked. Like, cried my eyes out, and I couldn't stop. I didn't know what was going on, why was I crying. It was probably an emotional thing, I mean, I left Hong Kong for 9 years before I was back again, then not long after, I'm back in the UK, and it was like an emotional journey because I have never experienced being like that, and the cultural impact it had on me.
So I have acknowledged that I was different in the UK, then I'm back in HK, and it was so so so so so foreign to me. I didn't know how I should feel, even now, I still don't. I feel like the people here doesn't accept me. And I really don't fit in. And here comes my identity crisis. I'm foreign in the UK. I'm also foreign in HK. WHERE DO I BELONG??
And this is how it's always going to be. From now on also. My first language is Cantonese, and even though it will always be my language, I feel like English is more of my language. My whole childhood is spent with the darn language, for goodness sake. I'm also learning Mandarin and Japanese, and I've learnt French in school (though I can't remember any anymore). But the languages I use the most will always be Cantonese and English. I'm more fluent in English, though. And I am not fluent in Chinese. My sentences are always half Cantonese half English I don't even know what I'm saying anymore. I mean, I do, but other people don't. I sometimes struggle to find the right Chinese words and I can't read most of them, and it's the same with writing and typing. And it can be hard when trying to find a job here. I mean, I'm Chinese but I'm not fluent and I don't know Mandarin. Most jobs here needs three languages, Cantonese, Mandarin and English. And they expect you to know. So it's hard for me.
In the UK, they celebrate differences. As the video says, "Being different is cool", but here in Hong Kong, ain't nobody like you being different. I mean, I always knew being different is special, and people like you for it. If I have to give an example, I'm going to use Arashi again. In the beginning, Arashi were different and un-idol-like, and so they were looked down on. But as times changed, people accepted differences, and Arashi were liked, and loved, because they were different.
Despite how many times I tell myself and hear people say it, that I shouldn't care about what others think about me, it's still very hard. I mean, ever since I became very self-conscious, I have always had a fear of being judged. A fear of being embarrassed and humiliated. And that has hold me back from so many things, so many opportunities. And I'm not happy about it. But I can't just change and be like "I don't care anymore" and step out of my comfort zone. But I do hope as I continue to grow and have new experiences, I can finally have more self confidence and stop thinking about what others are thinking about me.
But even if you do stop, it doesn't really change the fact that other people are actually judging you, and sometimes these things you can't just ignore, because what others think about you will always affect you.
I just want to put it out and I know this issue will always be with me. For the rest of my life. And I know, a lot of other people experiences this too. And not just Asians. It could happen to anybody who grew up in a different culture. So, if you're one of them, one like me, hands up to you because you're special.
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