Endless loneliness - Only family matters - But sometimes even that is not enough
This is my true life experience. And I'm going to share it. Say I'm just reminiscing back down memory lane.
So...
Have you ever had friends, then loose them after you took on separate life paths?
This is what I have been experiencing my whole life. Sad isn't it? And I couldn't do anything about it. I can't even remember if I had friends before I moved to England. I was 8 years old at the time. Let's say I did. But then I moved away, so we definitely lost contact then. In primary school in England, I had a lot of friends. I remember I had this girl friends group, and we even hung out with younger years as well. I was voted as the "house captain" and I was really popular in that school. I would also visit my friends' houses. I was happy. But then the few months before I were to graduate from the school, the friends group I had somehow split up, and my two best friends ended up hanging out with the bitch of our year group (I know, right), so I ended up hanging out with the boys. I heard the main one even had a crush on me (LOL), but we were like 11 years old at the time.
Secondary school came, and many of my old classmates transferred to the same school, including my two former best friends, so we were classmates again. But before I go on about them I would like to tell you about my first boyfriend. In the same year, so we were both 11 (this is another boy and not the one who had a crush on me), and we ended up together. I actually can't really remember what went on. I was 11, okay?? But I do remember it didn't last long. Around Christmas 2007 (We just got in Year 7) after school, him and I sneaked into an ally way near the school, and well... we were going to kiss. But then I freaked out and got very paranoid and self-concious, I basically fled, and ditched him there (LOL!). Anyway, I can't remember what happened, but it was Christmas, and we somehow split up.
For the next 5 years, from Year 7 to Year 11, that boy continued to haunt me. Not like actually haunt me, but well, I remember one Valentine's Day I got a card from him, and other classmates will joke about us during those five years. Then each Christmas we would give eachother Christmas cards. It was the same with my old classmates and my two former best friends. One of them was even in the same tutor group as me. But I can't believe for those five years we completely pretended like we didn't knew eachother. Like all those fun times we spent together in primary school never happened or something.
Or course, I had new friends at secondary school. I found myself two new best friends. We became friends even before we started Year 7, it was during those times when we tested out our new school before we officially get into it. And with each year past, my friends group grew. I especially had that one friend whom I was the closest to. We even had sleepovers and a lot of fun. And I was yet again happy. Then came the final few months before graduation (again!) and our friends group relationships began to wane, and we still hung out together, but somehow it felt different. After our examination and graduation, I once again take on a different life path. I actually really misses the time I was in secondary school the most. I had the most experience AND I was 11-16 years old, the most sensitive ages, so I really missed it a lot. I know I shouldn't dwell back on the past, but just thinking about all these happy memories just makes me feel very sad.
Anyway, my next stage in life was the next two years, where I went into college. College in England is the education that leads up to university after secondary school (high school). And I did two courses in two years. But there was only that one friend I made with during the last few months before the end of secondary school, who came onto the same course as me, who were also in the second course I did. So I basically spent 2012-2014 with her. Of course in college, I made new friends. Yet again. I actually ran into one of my best friends one day after a college day before and we talked.
In mid-2014, I graduated from college. And of course, I don't see those friends anymore. Because a month after that, I moved back to Hong Kong. This is like a slap in my face. I had a lot of friends. I had met a lot of people. I had a LIFE. And then this happened and it's like all those ten years haven't happened. I was left with nothing. No friends. No experience in this city. No nothing. Like I just cracked out from an egg and forced to learn life from there. WTF, man?
So after I moved back here in Hong Kong, I began my first job. And I yet again made new friends. But we usually hang out the most as colleagues. Then I realised where I am now. After all these years of school and college, I have a job. I have grown into adulthood.
Maybe not yet, because I am, of course, still a teenager. But I've realised this is not learning and having fun with friends anymore. This is learning while being a lonely old hag! Facing life crap. Having stress. REAL stress. And I feel like here in Hong Kong, it's very hard to make real friends. 'Cause I'm different from most people here. And because I don't go to university, I have no experience hanging around with people my age here. Because while I'm working, most of my colleagues are actually all older than me. Sad isn't it?
Since I had so much experience losing friends, I'm not even gonna have hopes for these new people. They will, eventually, leave me. Either they quit the job or I quit the job. I used to stay in contact with my older friends, but I guess even they have their own lives. Why would they bother with someone like me? Someone who don't actually belong anywhere. I still keep in contact with this one friend I met at the start of my second year of college, but we all know long distance relationships never works, so I also won't have much hope on that.
So basically, after all these years, I now ended up having zero friends. I'm serious. I think it's because of this that's why I became a introvert now. I don't even go socialising. I stay at home most of the time, and when I do go out, it's either on my own or with my family. Maybe that's why I rely on Arashi so much, because I need someone, just someone that makes me feel like I'm not as lonely as I think I am, which in reality I actually am that lonely. Sigh.
The only thing I have left now is my family. My family will always be by my side. They can't just leave like all my former friends did. So whatever we go through, we will always find a way to work it out. Which is why I only have them left. Because they are basically the only people left in my life right now. But sometimes I feel like even that's not enough. Of course family is the most important, but sometimes I feel like they are too close. Friends is different. We can be close, yet leave eachother some personal space. You know what I mean? Sigh (yet again).
I know this post is getting very long, and pat on your back if you've read it all. But what I'm trying to say is that even though many people may seem like they have many friends (you know, facebook?), they don't actually have that many. And one thing you have to learn is that one day they will betray you. It's the sad truth. And then they will leave you. Probably why many people like people higher in society, because they are useful. If you're useless, no one will want you. Friends are the same. They are all just pretending and basically using you to raise their own status. If they find you useless, they will just ditch you.
True friends comes from the people who understands that. Who have experience loss before. And who true friendship comes from the heart and selflessness, and not use for their own good.
Have you ever had friends, then loose them after you took on separate life paths?
This is what I have been experiencing my whole life. Sad isn't it? And I couldn't do anything about it. I can't even remember if I had friends before I moved to England. I was 8 years old at the time. Let's say I did. But then I moved away, so we definitely lost contact then. In primary school in England, I had a lot of friends. I remember I had this girl friends group, and we even hung out with younger years as well. I was voted as the "house captain" and I was really popular in that school. I would also visit my friends' houses. I was happy. But then the few months before I were to graduate from the school, the friends group I had somehow split up, and my two best friends ended up hanging out with the bitch of our year group (I know, right), so I ended up hanging out with the boys. I heard the main one even had a crush on me (LOL), but we were like 11 years old at the time.
Secondary school came, and many of my old classmates transferred to the same school, including my two former best friends, so we were classmates again. But before I go on about them I would like to tell you about my first boyfriend. In the same year, so we were both 11 (this is another boy and not the one who had a crush on me), and we ended up together. I actually can't really remember what went on. I was 11, okay?? But I do remember it didn't last long. Around Christmas 2007 (We just got in Year 7) after school, him and I sneaked into an ally way near the school, and well... we were going to kiss. But then I freaked out and got very paranoid and self-concious, I basically fled, and ditched him there (LOL!). Anyway, I can't remember what happened, but it was Christmas, and we somehow split up.
For the next 5 years, from Year 7 to Year 11, that boy continued to haunt me. Not like actually haunt me, but well, I remember one Valentine's Day I got a card from him, and other classmates will joke about us during those five years. Then each Christmas we would give eachother Christmas cards. It was the same with my old classmates and my two former best friends. One of them was even in the same tutor group as me. But I can't believe for those five years we completely pretended like we didn't knew eachother. Like all those fun times we spent together in primary school never happened or something.
Or course, I had new friends at secondary school. I found myself two new best friends. We became friends even before we started Year 7, it was during those times when we tested out our new school before we officially get into it. And with each year past, my friends group grew. I especially had that one friend whom I was the closest to. We even had sleepovers and a lot of fun. And I was yet again happy. Then came the final few months before graduation (again!) and our friends group relationships began to wane, and we still hung out together, but somehow it felt different. After our examination and graduation, I once again take on a different life path. I actually really misses the time I was in secondary school the most. I had the most experience AND I was 11-16 years old, the most sensitive ages, so I really missed it a lot. I know I shouldn't dwell back on the past, but just thinking about all these happy memories just makes me feel very sad.
Anyway, my next stage in life was the next two years, where I went into college. College in England is the education that leads up to university after secondary school (high school). And I did two courses in two years. But there was only that one friend I made with during the last few months before the end of secondary school, who came onto the same course as me, who were also in the second course I did. So I basically spent 2012-2014 with her. Of course in college, I made new friends. Yet again. I actually ran into one of my best friends one day after a college day before and we talked.
In mid-2014, I graduated from college. And of course, I don't see those friends anymore. Because a month after that, I moved back to Hong Kong. This is like a slap in my face. I had a lot of friends. I had met a lot of people. I had a LIFE. And then this happened and it's like all those ten years haven't happened. I was left with nothing. No friends. No experience in this city. No nothing. Like I just cracked out from an egg and forced to learn life from there. WTF, man?
So after I moved back here in Hong Kong, I began my first job. And I yet again made new friends. But we usually hang out the most as colleagues. Then I realised where I am now. After all these years of school and college, I have a job. I have grown into adulthood.
Maybe not yet, because I am, of course, still a teenager. But I've realised this is not learning and having fun with friends anymore. This is learning while being a lonely old hag! Facing life crap. Having stress. REAL stress. And I feel like here in Hong Kong, it's very hard to make real friends. 'Cause I'm different from most people here. And because I don't go to university, I have no experience hanging around with people my age here. Because while I'm working, most of my colleagues are actually all older than me. Sad isn't it?
Since I had so much experience losing friends, I'm not even gonna have hopes for these new people. They will, eventually, leave me. Either they quit the job or I quit the job. I used to stay in contact with my older friends, but I guess even they have their own lives. Why would they bother with someone like me? Someone who don't actually belong anywhere. I still keep in contact with this one friend I met at the start of my second year of college, but we all know long distance relationships never works, so I also won't have much hope on that.
So basically, after all these years, I now ended up having zero friends. I'm serious. I think it's because of this that's why I became a introvert now. I don't even go socialising. I stay at home most of the time, and when I do go out, it's either on my own or with my family. Maybe that's why I rely on Arashi so much, because I need someone, just someone that makes me feel like I'm not as lonely as I think I am, which in reality I actually am that lonely. Sigh.
The only thing I have left now is my family. My family will always be by my side. They can't just leave like all my former friends did. So whatever we go through, we will always find a way to work it out. Which is why I only have them left. Because they are basically the only people left in my life right now. But sometimes I feel like even that's not enough. Of course family is the most important, but sometimes I feel like they are too close. Friends is different. We can be close, yet leave eachother some personal space. You know what I mean? Sigh (yet again).
I know this post is getting very long, and pat on your back if you've read it all. But what I'm trying to say is that even though many people may seem like they have many friends (you know, facebook?), they don't actually have that many. And one thing you have to learn is that one day they will betray you. It's the sad truth. And then they will leave you. Probably why many people like people higher in society, because they are useful. If you're useless, no one will want you. Friends are the same. They are all just pretending and basically using you to raise their own status. If they find you useless, they will just ditch you.
True friends comes from the people who understands that. Who have experience loss before. And who true friendship comes from the heart and selflessness, and not use for their own good.
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