APRIL 8: Happy 18th Anniversary, Ayu! Happy 20th Birthday... me!
April 8. The day an irreplaceable star was born. Eighteen years ago, a 19-year-old Japanese girl wondered around the city of Tokyo, Japan, looking for a place of her own, a place where she belongs. ayumi hamasaki may not have been with me for that long, but for these 6 years that I've been a fan, she has let me see many things, and led me into other interests. She has been a legend. She is still a legend. And she may not be the hit right now, but deep down in my heart, she will always have a rightful place. ayu was the one who led me into J-pop, who led me into the fun world of Japanese entertainment. And even though the industry may not be what it seems, it has brought me much joy and tears throughout these years. And ayu was also the reason I came across Arashi and became their fan.
Everything began with ayumi hamasaki, so I will never forget the memories that I had with her, the experiences that she led me through, and the hard times she helped me through. Happy 18th anniversary, ayu, and I hope that one day, you will revive your rightful place and regain the respect that you deserve to have.
April 8. The day of my birth. I have experienced too many things I feel like reaching 20 years is a milestone. I feel like I shouldn't be 20, I should be 40. But then I realized there are so much more things out there to experience, to feel, that I shouldn't even feel this way. But whether one is 10 years old, or 60 years old, "experience" will keep on shooting their way, it will never end. And by reaching 20 years, I need to remind myself that every bit of crap that I go through and every bit of joy I feel are all part of the experience of life itself, and I need to stop feeling so pressured by it all the time. I need to stop feeling crap about other people, because if there is one thing I've learned from my 20 years of life is that I have never really, truly been loved. The friends I once had... all disappeared. The family that I do have... sometimes I feel like they don't even care. And I get it. I sometimes (well, most of the times) am just plain bitchy and picky about things. I'm just one of those people the world could do without, like, it would be better if I just didn't exist. But that's what I've been asking myself for a very long time. What am I doing here? This question I've been searching for the answer to for so long, to the point where I'm just like, you know what? I need to stop caring. Because caring hurts, a lot. Because I'm just this pile of shit that do not belong anywhere. Everywhere I go, I'm just an outcast. So I need to stop caring, and need to start to just focus on the things for myself. I don't feel love. I just feel needs. I only want that thing because I need it. I crave for its usefulness. Only when it's interesting enough. Because I've never learnt, never felt, what love truly is. I just keep being betrayed by it that by now, 20 years, my feelings are all over the place. I sometimes don't know how to feel... or what to feel. It is an emotional and psychological scar that I think will never be healed... unless a miracle happens. But miracles doesn't happen to me. I'm just an extra in this world, an outcast that nobody accepts... the least important. And that's probably why, emotionally, I turn towards the things that I can't have, and psychologically pretend I'm feeling with them when in real life no such things happen like that. And that's how depressing I actually feel. So I do hope for the next 20 years, life will turn out differently, and I may be finally able to find my own rightful spot in this world, a spot where if I'm gone, I would never be replaced.
Everything began with ayumi hamasaki, so I will never forget the memories that I had with her, the experiences that she led me through, and the hard times she helped me through. Happy 18th anniversary, ayu, and I hope that one day, you will revive your rightful place and regain the respect that you deserve to have.
April 8. The day of my birth. I have experienced too many things I feel like reaching 20 years is a milestone. I feel like I shouldn't be 20, I should be 40. But then I realized there are so much more things out there to experience, to feel, that I shouldn't even feel this way. But whether one is 10 years old, or 60 years old, "experience" will keep on shooting their way, it will never end. And by reaching 20 years, I need to remind myself that every bit of crap that I go through and every bit of joy I feel are all part of the experience of life itself, and I need to stop feeling so pressured by it all the time. I need to stop feeling crap about other people, because if there is one thing I've learned from my 20 years of life is that I have never really, truly been loved. The friends I once had... all disappeared. The family that I do have... sometimes I feel like they don't even care. And I get it. I sometimes (well, most of the times) am just plain bitchy and picky about things. I'm just one of those people the world could do without, like, it would be better if I just didn't exist. But that's what I've been asking myself for a very long time. What am I doing here? This question I've been searching for the answer to for so long, to the point where I'm just like, you know what? I need to stop caring. Because caring hurts, a lot. Because I'm just this pile of shit that do not belong anywhere. Everywhere I go, I'm just an outcast. So I need to stop caring, and need to start to just focus on the things for myself. I don't feel love. I just feel needs. I only want that thing because I need it. I crave for its usefulness. Only when it's interesting enough. Because I've never learnt, never felt, what love truly is. I just keep being betrayed by it that by now, 20 years, my feelings are all over the place. I sometimes don't know how to feel... or what to feel. It is an emotional and psychological scar that I think will never be healed... unless a miracle happens. But miracles doesn't happen to me. I'm just an extra in this world, an outcast that nobody accepts... the least important. And that's probably why, emotionally, I turn towards the things that I can't have, and psychologically pretend I'm feeling with them when in real life no such things happen like that. And that's how depressing I actually feel. So I do hope for the next 20 years, life will turn out differently, and I may be finally able to find my own rightful spot in this world, a spot where if I'm gone, I would never be replaced.
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